Mother’s Day Massage (or that time I ended up naked at the mall…)

Just a head’s up…Today’s post has absolutely nothing to do with crafting, sewing, or even cute kids, but I had an experience over the weekend that was just too disturbing hilarious strange unbelievable not to share. So if you’re here for the sewing, Thanks for visiting, but you’ll need to stop back later in the week. The rest of you try not to pee your pants as you laugh at me my situation.

two kids playing with a giant pile of toys

Most of you know that my kids are both too small to be interested in giving Mother’s Day gifts. That task falls solely to my husband who is know to be an absolutely horrible gift giver. Please don’t think I’m husband bashing here. He fully admits to it! This is an on going and well documented issue that has taken me years to come to terms with. Now I just make lists and give explicit instructions about what will and will not constitute a proper gift.  (That may make me sound like a jerk, but when you get a towel for your Birthday you’ll understand.)

So what does any of this have to do with me being naked at the mall? I’m getting there. I promise. 

Toddler boy making funny faces for the camera

Last year for Mother’s Day, Corbin had just been born, and I was busy with other worries. I never gave Ant any kind of list or ideas about what to get me. I assumed we would just skip the whole thing and carry on, but evidently Ant had other plans. Instead I received a gift certificate for a hour massage. You’re probably thinking “Wow, that’s great! I’d love to get a massage!”, and I’d say the same if I hadn’t told Ant the last time he sent me for a massage that it wasn’t something I enjoy. I don’t mind getting my nails done, and heavens knows that I need my hair cut, but massages are just not my thing. And there’s also a catch. The place I’m being sent to is in our local mall.

Now I try my darnedest not to be judgmental, but this is not a fancy mall. The place I’m going has a Yin-Yang symbol in place of the O in it’s name for cryin’ out loud! Can you picture the kind of place I’m talking about? Are you cringing a little? Yeah. So I conveniently “forgot” about the gift certificate until the last possible moment. And then three days before the expiration date, I finally sucked it up and went. 

Toddler girl playing with shrubs

Here are just a few of the awesome highlights of my adventure…

Picture a single room with purple and school bus yellow walls and thin marroon carpet. The massage stations (5 of them) are divided emergency room style by curtains hung on tracks from the ceiling. But these aren’t single length curtains like in the hospital. Oh no. These are many short panels held together here and there by binder clips. (yes, the black ones from the office store.) The tables themselves are the standard kind with the hole for your face, but they are covered with a kind of tissue paper (similar again to the hospital). And of course there is that essential “tranquility” music competing with the Seal and Whitney Huston that is being piped through the Mall speakers.

Toddler boy carrying a large pink ball

Now comes the good part…

My Massage therapist (is that what you call them?) leads me to one of the cubbies and tells me to strip and lay down. Ok, standard procedure I guess, but I’m hardly paying attention to her heavily accented directions as I take in her outfit. She is definitely rocking the brightest yellow polo I have ever seen in my life along with a pair of leopard print velour pajama pants. I’m so distracted by this, and the fact that I can see the man in the next cubby through the gaps in the curtains that I don’t even notice there is no towel, blanket, piece of tissue paper, nothing to cover myself with. Sweet!

I’m admittedly not the most modest person alive, and nudity doesn’t bother me in the least, but I try to adhere to what’s socially acceptable and not flash strangers at random. So I wait for her to return thinking that she just forgot to leave something for me. I’m wrong, and she didn’t. I’m told again to strip and she stands right there in front of me as I shimmy awkwardly out of my jeans. At this point I’m thanking my lucky stars tht I wore boy shorts instead of something more….um…less. I quickly ditch my shirts and bra as she goes off again, and press my face down into the lovely select-a-size paper towel that is being used to protect the face hole from what I can only imagine is my sweat…drool?

Are you dying yet? Because I sure thought I was!

But don’t worry. It gets even better.

Dad helping toddler boy go down a slide

We haven’t even started the massage yet…

She covers me with what has to be the smallest, most scratchy bath towel  (maybe it was a jumbo hand towel) I have ever seen and pulls out a giant pink bottle of “massage lotion” (aka Johnson’s baby lotion with the label peeled off.) This is gonna be awesome! (insert as much sarcasm as humanly possible into the previous phrase!) All I can do is lay there thinking Well, I’m committed now, so lets get this over with…” And that’s when she pulls my drawers down exposing a good two thirds of my rear end. I kid you not! The only part that was previously left uncovered by my shorts (the bottom peaky-out-y bit) is now the only part left covered by those same underpants. I’m covered in goose bumps doing everything I can not to bust out laughing.

Until I hear her talking to another customer who has come into the store requesting a massage.


Anyone who just happens to wander by is totally seeing me laying there with my butt bare to the world!

Now I’m finished laughing. I’m too busy counting down the minutes until this is all over and I can go home and strangle my wonderful husband. (oh, and writing this post in my head of course) How could anyone in their right mind imagine this as a relaxing situation?

“See you next time” she says as I leave…Yeah that’s never gonna happen!

toddler girl with her face pressed against a baby gate

Needless to say Ant  felt absolutely terrible when I got home and told him about my experience.

He couldn’t stop apologizing all afternoon. But at least now I know what I’m getting him for Father’s Day!

So, what would you have done? Am I overreacting and this is how massages normally go?

What is the worst gift you’ve ever gotten? Let me hear it. I need to know I’m not the only one!

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*Disclaimer- I have absolutely no problem with mall stores, massage therapists, nice little asian ladies,

or husbands. I just found myself in this completely ridiculous situation and wanted to share!

24 thoughts on “Mother’s Day Massage (or that time I ended up naked at the mall…)

  1. Oh I was dying! How horrible this must have been! I'm one of those that can't handle massages, and HATE getting pedicures, so this kind of experience would have killed me. I'm glad you shared though, because oh it made laugh hard!

    1. So glad I'm not the only one who doesn't enjoy massages. I'm just not sure what it is, but even a good massage (obviously not what was going on this weekend!) doesn't really relax me. I'd much rather take a nap instead!

  2. Ahahahahahaha! That is the WORST! As a retired massage therapist, no, that is NOT how massages normally go! We spent days and days practicing proper draping (placing the sheets so you don't see any funny business) on each other as students, fully clothed, before we could even graduate to practicing in our undies to make sure we knew how to keep people covered while exposing just the part that is getting worked on, so I was dying reading about her yanking your underwear. My gosh, I would have had a heart attack if that had been me. Well, maybe next Mother's day will go better . . . make a list 😉

    1. I had no idea you were a massage therapist or I would have e-mailed you straight away with my rant! I think Ant has pretty much decided never to buy me anything again unless he has pre-approval. Poor Guy. I don't think I've ever told you about our engagement story. Remind me about that one day when you need a laugh. That's a good story too!

  3. WOW!! I would have done nothing because I would have fainted. No not true, I would have said something and asked for a towel. When they gave me a piece of sandpaper the size of face cloth I might have asked for a refund. I am very vocal in my displeasure especially at places like that. I really hope you get to experience a good massage someday. The place I go to doesn't touch my undies and only work on the parts you say is okay. So you could get an arm and leg massage in your boy shorts and tank so you could be comfy and in a room without other!

    1. There were definitely quite a few times when I thought about just saying "ok, I'm done", but eventually I was resigned that my personal humiliation would be the perfect pick me up for some of you guys.

      I have had a "good" massage before, at a nice day spa where you are in your own little room, with dimmed lights, and they cover you with something the size of a bed sheet. But even then, it wasn't really for me. I just don't feel any different afterwards. Maybe I've finally accepted stress and tension are part of myself. I signed up when I got married had kids! ;D

  4. I totally would have turned around and walked right back out before getting naked! No way am I getting starkers in front of anyone else, it's bad enough at the hospital in a back flappy gown let alone something for pleasure! I hope Ant knows to get you something great this year otherwise he'll have to apologise by bringing you all to Wales for a break 🙂

    1. I guess I was just hoping for the best. I kept thinking "Maybe it wont be so bad. Maybe I'm overreacting and this will be totally relaxing if I can just shut it all out." HA! Yeah cuz that makes sense!

      I think Ant's pretty much terrified ever to by me a present again without some sort of written approval. As soon as I got home I said "Do you even know how much fabric I could have bought with the money you wasted on this?!?" He knows not to get between me and fabric, so I'm pretty sure that got my point across. ;D

    1. I suppose I was trying to give my husband the benefit of the doubt, but that was a joke! When do men ever know anything that we women don't already know better? ;D

    1. I'm just glad it's a story I can look back on and laugh about! I'm never ever going to repeat it…but I can laugh about it. (and hold it over my husband forever!) 😀

  5. You perfectly described so many places I see in "strip" malls around here. I would have walked out before lying down in a place like that, but your story is great and I enjoyed living it vicariously!

    1. It makes you wonder how men's brains operate doesn't it? I mean, he had to physically go into this place to buy the gift certificate! And still there were no second thoughts? No "this place is a little shady" warning bells? Ha! I could tell that from the other side of the mall!

  6. I am so glad I found this, I am laughing so hard, poor you but just a great post LOL

    I hope you get something super awesome this year, from your list!

    Worst gift ever. I'm not sure but last year I was served scrambled eggs with olives in it, not the best breakfast combo LOL

    1. Oh gosh, I can't even imagine what I'll get when my kids are big enough to "help". If my daughter's pretend banana, onion, pickle sandwiches are anything to go by it should be a treat!

    1. I've gotten a bath towel as a gift from my husband before too! What makes these men think that is a great gift? Maybe we should get them bars of soap for Father's Day!

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